Saturday, February 19, 2005

Baby Just Ask Me...

What should I wear? The question that has been plaguing me ever since I had "the vision". What is the vision you ask? Well I don't know if other girls have this or if I'm just psychotic, but before a special event or night I have a sort of vision of myself, of what I would wear that night. Now this might just seem like something weird to do, but not only is it weird but it's very annoying. It's annoying because now that I've had this vision, I'm determined to find the dress I'm wearing in it, and in all likelyhood it doesn't really exist. If anyone knows where I can find a knee length white fluffy dress, let me know . It's intresting that people think they know me so well after two posts. Personally I would've waited until at least the 4th or 5th to start calling anyone " depressed" or saying they're going in a " downward spiral", but that's just me. How I see myself is not just about my weight, and no I don't think that just losing weight will fix everything. I'm not 12. I guess it's my fault for not explaining myself more thoroughly. You see, a lot of my insecurities also stem from me not finishing what I start. A long long time ago ( 2 years this April to be exact) I sang at a talent showcase in the city. Needless to say it didn't go so well. It was awful, and I lost it. After that I was too afraid to sing in front of anyone, and all my auditions, my songwriting, everything stopped. A lot of my confidence came from singing. From the thrill I got off being on stage, and from how good it felt to finish a song I thought was pretty fucking good. I know I shouldn't have let one time discourage me, but I did, sue me. I'm getting over it now, but I still haven't sung in public, and I think that's one of the main things I need to do to regain my self confidence. And as for this whole crap about being happy with yourself and blah blah blah, listen , I don't care who in the fuck you are if you feel like you're not good looking you're not gonna feel good, period. You can pretend all you want, but everyone has issues...everyone has things about themselves they don't like, and I'm just trying to fix those things before I'm 45 and too busy for my own good. As far as me complaining too much that's really hilarious. The whole reason I started this blog was because I don't like talking about myself to my friends and family, in fact up until about a week ago, no one even knew I felt like this. I was pretending like everything was just peachy, and I finally decided I'd had enough and I had to do something about it. I started this blog to have a place to let all my crazy thoughts and emotions out without feeling like I'm annoying anyone, becuse in case you haven't noticed, you don't have to read it. Phew. Well now that I've gotten that off my chest I'm off to search for that imaginary white dress...wish me luck.


Anonymous Matthew said...

Well, as far as the dress goes, I don't know exactly what you had in mind, but here are a few things I think look good; they are white but not really adhering to your description.



Now that I think about it, I don't have any idea where to find what your looking for, but good luck.

Blogs are great places to vent. Also, having a good self-image is important. It is definitely one way you can be happy, though self-image can be altered by things aside from physical appearance. Being happy with how you look physically can be altered by other things you do, like having a stage presence. You can make yourself feel more physically attractive by doing things like singing in front of others. The same feeling can take you over as people follow you with their eyes when you sing, in the same way they would look at you for being a model. The feeling of being desired is brought on by the fact others are seeing you in a different light. Thus building a good self-image. But this isn’t something written in stone on tablets of infallibility, but just an idea of what could be done. From how you speak in your blog, you sound like you have a passion in your blood that you can harness to put yourself to any task. I wish you luck.

Sat Feb 19, 12:40:00 PM 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

umm ok i think its funny how a lot of u ppl are judging ms. claribel about who she is from only a couple of posts. you dont even know her. and if you think shes complaining or whatever, then DONT READ THIS! geez :p

Anyways, Claribel has been one of my best friends for almost 3 yrs now, so i know her really well. And girl I love you. I dont think it's weird to say that confidence comes from how you FEEL you look. I mean not all of it does, but yes some of it does. Most of it comes from something different, but if you're not happy with how you look, or how you feel you look, then you're probably not going to be as happy as you could be. Now I'm not about plastic surgery or trying to make urself "pretty" for someone else. Thats totally different. Being confident in your own skin is subjective and personal and can be accomplished many different ways. I know you know this, I'm just sayin this for everyone else, and to let them know that you know this.

I'm glad that you realize there's things about you that you arent happy with. Everyone has things they arent happy with, but you are making an effort to try and change those things. It's not being superficial. I guess I just cant really explain it that well. But I know Claribel very well and I know that she's a strong, wonderful person and she has the drive to get through this. She's also one of the best singers I've ever heard! I know you know you're good, so get yourself back out there like you've been tryin to do. Even the best fall down sometimes, but you have the potential to take your singing so much farther.

(sorry this is soo long)
Also, sometimes doing what you need to do for yourself, can only be done on your own. Breaking up with someone on those terms, isn't about them. It's not that he cant help her get through this. It's just about taking time for yourself. I have 100% faith in you girl. I love you. And I'm here for you. And just because she "complains" in her blog, doesnt mean she does in real life. She's not that kinda person at all.

~ steph

Sat Feb 19, 05:32:00 PM 2005  

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