Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Here I go again...

Ok so, as you probably already know my name is Claribel. I belive my name is the reason for my state of confusion...who names their kid after the clown from Howdy Doody? It wasn't intentional, but nonetheless my name is the root of my insecurities as a child. I've been called everything from Tinkerbell, to Taco Bell and the ever popular Caramel which is usually followed by the " Are you a dancer?" question. Lately I've been feeling very out of place. My 21st birthday is approaching and more than ever before I feel like there's something about me I need to change. I know that there's somthing I need to change. Despite all my friends telling me how pretty they think I am, I look in the mirror and see something scary. When I go out, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. A before picture, in a room full of afters. Honestly, I know I need to lose weight, and thats one of the reason's I feel so shitty. But there's a sort of mental warfare that I seem to be losing to those little voices we all have in our head ( though not all of us admit it). The only way I'm ever gonna feel better about myself, is to change the things I don't like and to stop being such a pussy and caring about what people think all the time. But for some reason I can't seem to tear myself away from cheeseburgers...they're so good. Well I have to go now, I'll try not to feel so sorry for myself next time but I can't make any promises.


Anonymous Jackie said...

Clariel darling,
I know exactly how you feel. It's weird how the human condition can be identified in more than one person. The feelings you are having I've had my whole life and then when you add clinical depression to the list it just throws a wrench in the mix. Honestly, it sucks. But that's the way it fucking goes. I'm so proud of you for owning up to your feelings and actually wanting to change them, a lot of people can't even recognize they have problems. You are headed in the right direction and I can truly see you coming out of this a stronger more independent woman (if that is even possible because all of us Bettys are the strongest women I know of). I, myself am in the same process of fixing what I don't like about myself before it's too late and I get old and then there is no point (pessimistic I know, but nonetheless true). You are doing great and I love you! I am always here and you know that!
Love ya like my sister,

Thu Feb 17, 01:35:00 PM 2005  

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