Thursday, February 17, 2005

Please Don't Bring me Flowers...

Ok, so I'm going through this weird phase where I feel the need to change certain things about my life. Mainly my weight ( see my last post for more information). But the thing is, I'm so superficial that how I look completely effects pretty much every other aspect of my life. For example, the other night was my friend's 21st birthday and of course that could only mean one thing; making a drunken fool of myself in the middle of New York. I got pretty hammered, but for all the wrong reasons ( i.e. getting the little voices to shut the fuck up) . My brilliant plan backfired however, when I realized being drunk only made me feel worst about myself...too late. I felt jealous and insecure the whole night, Dwayne ( my sort of bf now cause we're on a break, I'll explain later) had to put up with my shit all night. I decided after that to a) not drink like a lush anymore and b) do something about my stupid insecurities, which in my mind also meant taking a break from the afore mentioned boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half already and I'm really happy with him but just not with myself. And I keep taking it out on him which I know is unfair. So I told him that for now I needed to be alone and just figure this reatrded thing out. I saw him the other day & it was hard just being around him. It's almost like I wish he wasn't so nice cause then it'd be easier not to miss him. Ha, that's a change actually wanting a guy to be an asshole for once. For Valentine's Day I didn't even want flowers or anything, I mean I did, but I don't think I would've been able to get them and not cry or kiss him, whichever. I just hope he's still there when I'm all skinny and hot...he will be...right? He said he'd wait for me but boys speak a different language than I do so I don't know what that really means. I guess...I know time will tell. It always does.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You definitely watch 1 episode of sex in the city to many or did one to many survey in those cosmopolitan magazines lol (J/K).

It's the smaller things in life that really matter Claribel, like family and friends. The same exact people that accept/love you for who you are and don't care if you are sexy or not. Unless you come from one of those crazy disfunctional family's, then their's drugs. ;)

As far as for your boyfriends, you just unleashed a dog and he is going to do what all dogs do. Run and act crazy. lol

So what is your plan to become this "skinny hot girl"?

Mr. M

Thu Feb 17, 03:19:00 PM 2005  
Blogger claribel said...

In response to "Mr.M"...

Hmm and I watch too much Sex & the city, intresting lol
My friend's and family do accept me, they love me they're great, but the awful truth is I don't accept myself...not completely. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go on the Swan and have my entire face redone, I just wanna lose a few pounds ( in a few I mean like 20) And as for my boyfriend, he can do what he wants while we're not together, as for right now he's not my boyfriend. It is intresting that you said "boyfriends" (plural), typo or not it seems you know me too well. My plan? As Oprah would say I'm gonna " move a little more, eat little less" and hope for the best. Next time don't be so anonymous stranger...

Thu Feb 17, 04:29:00 PM 2005  
Anonymous Mr. M said...

"As Oprah would say I'm gonna " move a little more, eat little less" and hope for the best."

Oprah is a crack head. Come up with a real game plan. Something that is fool proof. You should be able to lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks.

As far as the boyfriends, it was a typo.

Fri Feb 18, 07:48:00 AM 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Claribel,

I saw your site on Craigslist and thought I would check it out. I really don't know what to say exept I think Mr. M is right you read too much Cosmo.

People aren't secure with themselves just because they are skinny or good looking. I know tons of girls that are a size 2 that think they are fat. Real beauty is confidence and that comes from within.

Some people will never get it and it's too bad, but complaining about it all the time just makes it worse. The simple fact that you have a web-site about it tells a lot about you. I am sure it annoys your friends and family. People don't want to be around unhappy person and that is going to just upset you more.

You are heading in a downward spiral. People who love you don't care if you are a couple pounds over wieght, but exercising is a good idea. It helps the body and the mind. It releases endorphins in the brain. (I hope I spelled that right.) That gives you happiness.

About your boyfriend. That was a stupid move. You shouldn't take things out on him and that is something YOU need to work on. Don't punish him and break up with him. It sounds like you two love each other and true love is sticking by your better half through good times and bad. You might be too young to understand, but even if you get back together it will not be the same. Don't wait another minute call him and meet, give him some good sex and tell him you love him.

I don't know, but do you take drugs for your depression. If you do stay away from the booze. That creates the opposite effct in your body just making matters worse.

Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.

Nate

P.S. Next time I check out your sight I want to see some good news!

Fri Feb 18, 12:16:00 PM 2005  
Blogger claribel said...

To Mr.M and Nate...
I do have more of a plan, I wasn't planning on breaking it down step by step for you, I was just being general. And Nate...I'm not depressed, so I don't take any medication for it, but thanks for the concern. It's funny how everyone keeps saying I read too much cosmo, I dont read it at all! lol. The problem is I went through a lot of shitty things when I was younger, and it does effect how I see myself sometimes. In terms of my weight not making me happy, I see where you're coming from. I guess I should've been more specific when I explained why I didn't feel good about myself. It's not just how I look, it's a mixture of things, and my weight is just part of it. At one point in my life I was thinner and I was following through with things I needed to do and I was confident. But I let myself go a little, and you can't say that apperance has nothing to do with confidence cause thats BS. I don't particularly care what anyone else thinks in terms of how I look, I want to be happy with myself, and I'm not. So am I wrong for being honest about it? If I am too bad...we all have our opinions on things. Thanks for lettting me know what you think though, and write back if u feel the urge.
P.S. Oprah is not a crackhead

Fri Feb 18, 04:02:00 PM 2005  

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